"We are not born passive, we enter this world primed and expecting to fill up our buckets with kindness, by bonding, sharing and joining with another, in a calm, connected and caring experience, through seven motivational, subcortical, neural networks, that are driven by the choices of a highly effective, autonomic nervous system's response through three observable modes, for our best chance of survival."
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From birth, our Lifeforce, Inner Essence, Chi, Prana, Reiki, Spirituality, Godliness, Wawu, Whatever we wish to call it, is driven upwards by our autonomic nervous through seven motivational neural networks that arise and expand into three unique speciality modes. - A) Connect and Care mode (our bottom brain) B) Feeling mode (our right brain) C) Thinking mode (our left brain).
When others make us important to them at an early age, join with us, love us, bond with us, connect and care about us, we sponge it in and activate the same neural pathways within ourselves, to give back in return. Over days, weeks and months, we become what we are given and without enough connect and care experiences around us, at an embodied level, we will fail to grow the required neural pathways and setup our three modes of being that nature expected us to grow for healthy brain development, functioning, resilience and well-being, during our earliest years of life that were meant to last us a lifetime.
Seven networks, Three Speciality Modes (Click to reveal more)
Seven Motivational, Subcortical, Neural Networks -
We are born with seven motivational networks where each network requires an equal to or greater positive reciprocal experience with an important other, in a vibrational serve and return synchronicity.
*Certainty (safety)
*Agency (needs)
*Bonding (joining & sharing)
---- Motivation, Seeking, Exploring
---- Intimacy, Lust, Sexuality
---- Care, Nurturance, Caregiving
---- Play, Joy, Excitement
*Note - Certainty (safety), Agency (needs) & Bonding (joining & sharing) are primary networks, which can be either positive or negative, have an inward or outward focused or in both directions, depending on what we experience and the energy produced by our autonomic (automatic) nervous systems that choses for us, which one of our primary network it needs to influence for our comfort, safety and needs, even at the disconnect of of the other two.
This is not a choice we make, our automatic nervous system choses for us and when challenges become repeatable, we can go through life never knowing that some of these essential motivational networks, may never have been never fully developed within us.
Primary network negative states
Certainty (safety) - frightened - Fear - control
Agency (needs) - frustration - Anger - power
Bonding (joining, sharing) - failure - Sadness - resignation
Three Specialities Modes -
A healthy brain requires another to be able to provide us with an equal to or greater experience of connect and care that maturates up into our two higher modes of mind of everything we feel, then everything we think. All three modes were meant to arise sequentially and work together, grounded in our connect and care experiences through life.
A) (Embodied) Connect and Care mode
Body sensations
Bonding
Curiosity
Openness
Acceptance
Forgiveness
Love
Gratitude
Kindness
Unconditional positive regard
Empathic concern
Pure (embodied) connect and care client observations -
You are important to me, Compassion Empathy, Altruism, Flexibility, Humility, Harmony with life, Permission to be vulnerable, Projection of kindness, Playfulness, Less superficial, Well-being, Aliveness, Looking for meaningful engagements, Greater depth of colour, Able to do the same work with less energy required, Wider focus of attention (relaxation of the optical nerve), Able to honour another person’s struggle, Dissolving of judgements upon self and others, No longer a desire to punish or control, True to heart, Gut feelings of meaning arise. Aligned with the life force, Intimacy returns to my relationship, Selflessness, Movement from me focus to we focus, Permission to cry, Wanting to listening more, Step back from being time poor and finishing peoples sentences, I can use my own calmness to move others through their pain, Heartfelt joy and vitality.
B) Feeling mode
Feelings
Emotions
Language limited
Interpreted body sensations
Connections to others
Subjective meaning
Context
Patterns
Possibilities
Series
Analogue
Other Specialities - Emotional Empathy, Analogue mode (possibilities), Abstract, Lateral, Parallel, Emotional, Likes to be with what is, Methodical, Possibilities, Intuitive decision making, Spatial orientated, Survival, Autobiographical memory, Parallel, Movement of left side, Poor time awareness, Subjective
C) Thinking mode
Thoughts / Cognitions
Logic / Display Rules
Language dominant
Interpreted feelings
Communication to others
Literal meaning
Content
Facts
Absolutes
Parallel
Digital
Other Specialities - Cognitive Empathy, Digital mode (on / off – right / wrong), Analytical, Linear, Linguistics, Sequential, Logical, Likes to solve problems, Literal meaning, Careful, Facts (Rules based), Factual decision making, Reality orientated, Problem solving, Factual memory, Sequential, Movement of right side, Time Awareness, Objective
This ever expanding, modern and complex world we are born into, demands our attention and rewards our two upper modes of mental toughness and emotional discipline. But it comes at a cost, the cost of our lower mode of (embodied) connect and care, gifted to us by nature from birth, displaced by a reactive nervous system’s convincing argument, that our foundational core mode, the baseline of being human, is far too weak to be of any value.
If our nervous system fails to receive the foundational (embodied) connect and care experiences that it is highly dependent upon, where our caregiver/s cannot fully access their own (embodied) connect and care state of mind due to things like fear, depression, isolation, anxiety, stress, distraction or their own unresolved trauma, or we suffer from illness, genetic disorders, difficult temperaments, sickness or other developmental irregularities, etc, we become disconnected from them and our nervous system now takes us into many different states which interfere with the development of our seven motivational networks, the setting up of our lower embodied connect and care mode and our two upper modes of mind.
We can blame and punish others for their failures or we can choose in this next moment, to go back to our past and embrace ourselves for the suffering we endured with kindness, understanding and hope. The very specialities of our (embodied) connect and care mode. Over time, that repairs our seven neural networks and three modes, while diminishing the behaviours that our nervous system created for our survival, that constantly kept hold over us.
Seven Networks, Nervous System Reactivity (Click to reveal more)
Failure to be Connected and Cared
Without a strong, heartfelt, early (Embodied) Connect and Care experience with another, during the initial setting up of the brain, our non-conscious, autonomic nervous system will increase energy and information and chose for us, states and substates of either frustration (Anger), uncertainty (Fear), or failure (Sadness). We move into states where we punish or control those we love to influence our unmet connect and care and safety needs, we move away from pain or those who frighten us, we can serve those who exert power and control over us or we can collapse into failure. Either way these states stay with us and can be reinforced by us across the whole lifespan without us ever knowing why we lead by power or control, pleasing, collapse or failure.
Possible default nervous system states that can become our traits -
Fight - Unmet agency (needs) Irritation - Frustration - Power - Anger - Rage - Fury - Intrusiveness, Preoccupied behaviours - right mode lateralised.
Freeze - Locked in a state where we are unable to pull away or fight the source of our discomfort.
Flight / Flee - Uncertainty (safety) - Irritation - Control - Fear - Controlling, Dismissing behaviours - left mode lateralised.
Emotional Fawning - Frustration driven to emotionally serve / please another exerting power or control over us. (Reverse parenting)
Instrumental Fawning - Frightening driven to cognitively / instrumentally (practically) serve / please another exerting power or control over us. (Reverse parenting)
Flop / Drop - Failure to connect - Sadness - Extreme neglect - Biological collapse where either Anger or Fear states have gone way too far. Where experiences of heightened sympathetic energy to bond and connect with another are rejected it causes a parasympathetic spike and the collapse of the whole system. (Pathway to dissociation and suicide)
Appeasement - The Super (Embodied) Connect and Carer - This exceptional state is most likely an outcome of constant failure, freeze and flop / drop in extreme danger, neglect or ongoing terror. The child's own autonomic nervous system creates a pathway through their suffering into the only mode left to them, their (embodied) connect and care mode. To them fear is frightening, while anger is unhelpful. They can project an accurate representation of their own (embodied) connect and care mode in the face of fear and frustration towards another, effectively, reducing further pain, suffering and terror.
We cannot observe our default states, within ourselves, unless we step out of them and look back in from a different point of view, because we use the same nervous system state to keep us in and reinforce our preferred patterns of behaviour.
Unresolved, implicit memories of fear, anger or sadness are retrieved involuntarily under stress without any conscious awareness that they are coming from our past. We react, our behaviours switch to reinforcing our past and eventually we go, "What happened just then?" or "Why did I do that?"
What needs to happen to have a better life?
We need to look inwards to enable our constricted networks that were constricted to fit into the experience that we were born into that shaped our newly developing brains in the way that we didn't choose to reclaim our lives.
but more importantly we need to understand how our brains were initially wired, honour how our nervous system chose for us, then focus on experiential awareness interventions with another who can project an accurate representation of their own (embodied) connect and care mode. We need to revisit all seven subcortical networks, our modes and observe what happens. For those that have done the hard work, they have found they are only too willing to show others.
The key to cnc is having another who makes us important to them. By doing this we move into a coregulation of contingent that creates a vibrational movement greater then the self alone.
Contingency communication
Slowing the body down
Unconditional regard
Empathic concern
Mindfully walking
Awareness of breath
Songs sing songy
Voice
Shared movement
Coregulation
Ventral vegas
Ear sensitivity
Gaze
Curiosity
Oppeness
Awareness of the seven networks
Sit in uncertainty
Express needs
Acts of kindness
Forgiveness
7 networks
Play joy
Reconnect to our forgotten laying beneath the mind and everything we feel or think x
The (Embodied) Connect and Care Theory - Something for everyone
"Reconnecting back to our core mode of being human by intentionally stepping out what we have already constructed."
Individuals - Intentionally looking inwards, finding our authentic self.
Relationships - Moving together. Reconnecting back to the experience that brought you together in the first place.
Neglect, victimisation, suffering - The little known and unexpected pathways to (embodied) connect and care. (The diamond in the rough)
Supporting others - Thinking, feeling, (embodied) connect and care. The three modes we move through that includes you.
Understanding others - Looking at their rigidity, chaos or helplessness through an (embodied) connect and care lens.
Adolescence - The period of brain reshaping. Helping families work together by understanding nature’s goal.
Workplace - (Embodied) connect and care, the untapped resources, drive and intrinsic potential that can influence change in a workplace.
Healing - Accessing our Inner Essence, Chi, Prana, Reiki, Spirituality, Godliness, Life Force etc. Becoming the conduit for healing through (embodied) connect and care.
Developmental / Complex PTSD / Attachment Trauma - Calming together, the path to safety, earned security and onward to post traumatic growth.
Create change - Influence others around you through gratitude.
Adult children and their misguided blame.
"Our earliest connect and care mode experiences within and between another, will shape our seven subcortical, motivational networks that arise upwards to influence our higher modes of everything we feel and everything we think."
History - The (Embodied) Connect and Care Theory
This ever expanding, modern and complex world we are born into, demands our attention and rewards our two upper modes of mental toughness and emotional discipline. But it comes at a cost, the cost of our lower mode of (embodied) connect and care, gifted to us by nature from birth, displaced by a reactive nervous system’s convincing argument, that our foundational core mode, the baseline of being human, is far too weak to be of any value.
We are so much more than what we think or feel yet we consume ourselves within our two upper modes of being at the neglect of our (embodied) connect and care mode. The (embodied) connect and care theory sees reactive, unhelpful and unhealthy behaviours in the present as being clues to difficult experiences from our past that prevented us from becoming the best version of the parent, partner, friend or community member, we most wanted to be.
Working on a Suicide Crisis Line
It was while working on a national suicide crisis line, that I noticed it was the most disconnected, depressed and suicidal who were also the most authentic and kindest people ever. They could take me with them into this profound mode of joining that arose in the absence of our words and feelings, a place of gratitude, where curiosity, openness, acceptance, forgiveness and kindness, gave them the permission to seek safety, security and hope.
The (embodied) connect and care theory attempts to describe this wordless joining experience, that can move us to become the person we most want to be and why we have become so lost in a modern world that keeps us all disconnected from ourselves.
Relationships - The (Embodied) Connect and Care Theory
Our (embodied) connect and care mode is a two-way, shared experience of nature’s gift and so it does not have an unhealthy nervous system energy attached to it. Ruptures through life, disconnect our shared experience and take us off into nervous system reactivity that ultimately work against us. By learning to honour our nervous system’s role in protecting us through life, we can then redirect our focus of attention back to the first memories of our connect and care experiences that brought two people together into the most profound experience of joining we can have ever....
"We are not born passive, we enter this world primed and expecting to fill up our buckets of kindness, that we carry, by bonding, sharing and joining with another, in a calm, connected and caring experience, through seven motivational, subcortical, neural networks, that are driven by the choice of a highly effective, autonomic nervous system's response, for our best chance of survival."
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